My December

Author: Ryuu-chan
[b]Email:Setsuna-Channlinehome.de
Pairings:Hatori x Kana (in the negative sense)
Author's note:It's after eleven and I'm actually dog ​​tired. I’m probably finishing the fic now and I don’t guarantee that it will be legible ... * sigh * This idea has been floating around in my head for some time and since today I’m somehow ... depri * how should I put it otherwise ...? * am, I just felt like putting it on paper. This is going to be a Linkin Park songfic with "My December" about Hatori's feelings / thoughts about / about Kana.
Dedication:Mh .... for everyone who just feels like snow! :)
Disclaimer:Natsuki Takaya owns all characters that appear here; but all complaints about the FF büdde to me. ^^
Warnings: Songfic and a bit dark, POV Hatori

What else did Akito say ...?

>> You are like snow, Hatori. <<Yeah, sometimes I really feel myself turning to ice. My heart pounds as if it weren't beating, but contracting into a tiny, hexagonal ice crystal. Cold, without any ability to perceive or even understand feelings. Because if it really is true, then I could never open myself to them, for fear my icy heart would melt.
That's why I prefer to stay alone. Alone in my season; the winter.

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

At least that's what I always swore to myself. I never wanted anyone to feel things like me. I still have Yuki before my eyes as I erased the children's memories. It must have been bad for him to watch all his friends as I let them forget everything that had happened without any emotion.I didn't feel anything. No pity. No mercy. Nothing.

>> Just as cold. <<

Anyway, I told myself it. I turned off my feelings, like a water tap that you could turn off if you wanted. I couldn't care what happened to the others. For the good of the family, I carried out Akito's orders like a machine. But today I know that I was only protecting myself from myself.
Kana showed me.

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there something
Something I missed

It was just as cold a winter day as it is today, when I suddenly realized that maybe I wasn't ice cream after all. Not a statue that Akito had carved out of an ice floe.
I raised my hand to the sky and watched the snowflakes fall out of the sky. They quietly covered my surroundings and immersed them in a peaceful, pure white. This sight was so beautiful that it still captivates me today. Snow that washed the dirty back in.A particularly large snowflake landed on my outstretched hand and I looked at it more closely. Nothing happened for a long time until it suddenly began to melt. Actually nothing special, but suddenly I realized that I wasn't snow.
I was warm; so warm that even the white cold flakes turned to water when they got too close to me. In that moment, I knew I was human. I was just waiting for spring to wake my frozen heart from hibernation.
And then came Kana.

And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that

I should never have let it happen. I should never have opened up to her. I should have been who Akito made me.

>> What happens when the snow melts? <<

But Kana - she was just there and dragged me with her. She was what I had been hoping for all along.The spring in my heart.

>> Spring is coming! <<

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there something
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

She tore me out of my routine, out of my deepest thoughts and showed me what it really meant to live. I was able to escape the family cage, if only piece by piece, and stepped out into the sun, into the light; to her. With each passing day I noticed how the stiffness that held me was loosening; the chains around me loosened. I don't think I'd ever been so happy in my entire life with Kana by my side. I had given up my old life.

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

But Akito's words still ran after me like an incantation. The curse was still unbroken, and it probably never would be broken.>> You are like snow, Hatori. <<

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

Despite everything, I loved Kana. I loved her unconditionally, even more when she found out about my other side and asked me to stay with me. How could I have refused her wish?
As long as I could remember, no one had ever asked me to do this; accepted my curse; loved me
Kana did.
I felt that what we were doing was right in some way, but our fate would not allow it. The fate called Akito.

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there something
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that

I asked him to marry Kana. We were determined to plan our future together. It was more than normal that two people who loved each other wanted to bond. Not for him; and I should have known that.That is, I knew it, but it was sheer selfishness to bring Kana to Akito. Yeah, I shouldn't have done it.
Because snow doesn't have the right to ask for more.

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there something
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

Akito got angry, no, he got mad. He freaked out completely, destroyed everything we had painstakingly built up with just a few sentences thrown there and almost robbed me of my eyesight. I reassured him, but it was too late; Akito's words had crept into Kana's mind.
When I looked at her; Looking into her desperate, frightened eyes I realized that everything was my fault, not hers, not even Akito's. I should never have allowed all of this, because I never really wanted anyone to have to feel the way I once did. Selfishness; my selfishness had driven me to it.Kana suffered endless agony.

>> I wish ... we would never have met. <<

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

I granted her this wish. It hurt me to know that she would never remember all the wonderful days we had together, but the knowledge that Kana was suffering from my very existence only made me suffer even more. I just had to sneak out of her thoughts again, let her forget who I really was. It was very easy, just a touch of the hand. I had always done it, why was I still hesitating?
I was sorry.
I was so sorry.
When I put my hand on her tear-streaked face, I felt my heart fall back into the rigidity of an ice crystal. I just had to turn to snow again.

>> Forgive me. <<This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

Despite everything that had happened, Kana showed me to the last that she loved me. I didn't understand. She loved and she suffered.
But now she didn't have to do one thing, much less the other. She could leave everything behind and would never remember what had happened between us.
Yes, it was better that way.
And at that moment I felt cold tears on my cheeks for the first time.

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone

To come home to

Please, dear God. Please let her find someone who can make her happy. I don't care if I'm frozen in this cage forever or if I ever hear my heart beating again like it did when I was around them. Make her happy. I don't care what happens to me. I'll turn to snow again, but ...>> Spring is coming! <<

I will never forget these words. It will never be the same as it was when I first heard it from your mouth, yet a small glimmer of hope remains. Hope that the cold will come to an end someday.
Like a reflection on an ice crystal.

This is my December
This is my time of the year

Author's note:Yupp, it took an hour and a half to do it and it will be accordingly ... * yawn * But I think I feel a little better. :) I would really appreciate your comments! ^ ___ ^ Thanks for reading; I really hope you enjoyed it anyway! Now comes my Gravi FF darn again! * got new pleasure * Hopefully you can read yourself again! ^ _ ~
Ryuu-chan