Sleepless

Laughter as bright as a bell.
Yours ...
I hear it - and suddenly my eyes widen.

Damn it, I dozed off again!

The laughter is gone, it came from my dream from the start.

You are still curled up in your bed, wrapped up warm, your eyes wide open, as you have done for the last three weeks.
Otherwise, you are apathetic almost all of the time.

If I get too close to you, THEN you react and back off in fear and panic.
You have no idea how hurtful it is that you back away from ME, when I just want to protect you, but just couldn't at that point in time.

Three weeks ago...

An icy chill runs down my spine.

Damn it, if only we hadn't worked our way back then!

Then everything would be fine now ...

~ * Flashback * ~

It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning when we both found ourselves in the kitchen for breakfast.
We were both in a shitty mood because neither of us had found a proper moment of rest for the past few days and nights.We both started to work because we were having more and more problems paying the rent, and the jobs weren't exactly few.
As far as I can remember, you had three and I had four, even if one of them should be fired again soon because I was only working as a temporary worker.
In any case, after the jobs, when we were actually completely exhausted, we also had to look after grandfather, as he had been bedridden for two years after a stroke, and the nurse was only there until evening while we were working.
It would have made more sense if we had moved back in with Grandfather after he had the stroke.
But we had already moved into this apartment three years before and we thought that we could also manage to look after Grandfather in the evening.
We didn't want to give him to a nursing home, because firstly that would have seemed too ungrateful to us, since he had always looked after us when things were going badly for us; secondly, we heard enough horror stories from these homes, of course "Maintained to death" and so and thirdly we didn't want to do it to him that he would take his last breath at some point in a nursing home, because there was no question that he would never get out there once he was inside.We took turns checking on Grandfather, one night you, one me, so that at least one of them could sleep the night away.
But, as you told me the other day, you slept worse and worse the last few nights when it was my turn to watch out because you were worried that you might be fired because your performance might not be enough for your superiors.
After you told me that, I took it upon myself to worry about Grandpa for now.
So that you could at least catch up on some sleep.
However, your sleep disorders had not improved and so you had taken over your nights again.

A little later I was only left with three instead of four jobs because the temporary time had expired and the original employee was healthy again.
Well, that was to be expected ...

So we sat at breakfast, both in a mood that would have ruined anyone else around us, had they got too close, and ate our meals in silence.Breakfast was pretty much the only bearable one that day ...

Later at lunch, we agreed who would look after Grandfather that evening so we wouldn't attack each other.
The one who was more exhausted stayed home and went to sleep, as we always did on weekends.
And the one this time should be you, I would take care of Grandpa.
Your sleep disturbances got out of hand and now you no longer sleep at all.
I was very worried about you, because the circles under your eyes became more and more pronounced and your mood slipped more and more into the cellar.

And at the end of lunch, while clearing the table, it happened as it had to come at some point ...
We got into each other's hair.
At first only one irritated remark followed the other, irritable but harmless in and of itself.
Then the embers began to glow more and more and degenerated and so there were no more comments at first, but finally insults, then accusations, followed by accusations and equally heated replies and finally also deliberately hurtful words.At some point it went through with you and you disappeared from the apartment with the front door slamming.
I was boiling inside and out with anger and more than one plate had to believe it.
Finally it was evening, I cooled down a bit, you disappeared and I drove to Grandfather, because the nursing assistant would be leaving soon.

I went into the former game shop - which had been shut down - and went to grandfather's room.
The part-time nurse was waiting for me and saying goodbye not long after I showed up.
I took care of our old, sick grandfather and if there was nothing to do for a moment, I would sit next to his bed and rest a little with my eyes open.

It was in the middle of the night when the doorbell suddenly rang.
I started up, startled, because firstly I hadn't expected the doorbell because the nurse did not ring until six thirty to relieve me, and secondly I had only heard Grandfather and my breathing the whole time and the shrill ringing tone had surprised me.So I went to the door and opened it ... and my eyes widened in horror and I immediately let go of the door to help you.

Your clothes were torn, your eyes wide, dull and empty and you looked like you were about to faint.
In addition, your face and other parts of your body looked battered and now you fell unconscious into my arms.

I quickly carried you to your former room, laid you there on the bed, cleaned and bandaged your visible wounds and put on some fresh clothes.
We both still had a part of our wardrobe here, should an "accident" happen here and we need a change of clothes.
Then I put you in bed and covered you carefully.

For the rest of the night, I took turns looking at you and grandfather, not allowing myself a minute of peace.
If grandfather, who kept waking up suddenly, didn't need me, I would look after you and more often than once wipe the drops of sweat from your forehead that kept coming on it.You had a fever. Not very high, but you did.

The morning of the next day came and while the part-time carer was taking care of Grandfather, I took a quick shower and changed into something else and then looked after you all the time.
But you slept through the night.
You didn't wake up, not even when the doorbell rang early in the morning and made me start up again with a start.
I think you caught up with all the sleep you hadn't found in the last few months that day and the next ...

In any case, you didn't wake up until noon on the third day after you came here so completely battered.
And when you saw me sitting next to your bed, the first thing you did was back up, panicked and trembling, to the furthest corner of the bed, all the way to the wall, and looked at me like a frightened rabbit that had been cornered.
It was exactly that look that scared me almost to death.That look that told me right away what had happened to you and that look that screamed at me that I had lost you.
He told me that you would no longer tolerate anyone in your immediate vicinity.
Not even if you weren't touched.
You wouldn't allow it to even want to sit next to you.

And that hurt ...
It hurt terribly ... it was like being rammed a glowing poker into my heart.

I disappeared into the kitchen shortly after you woke up and came back with a hot chicken broth.
I put it on your bedside table and took a few steps backwards, far enough away that I would not suddenly be able to shoot forward, knowing that you would not even remotely touch the soup if I stood by.
And after you really made sure that I was far enough away, you rushed forward, carefully took the bowl, crept back into your corner and began to eat hastily.No wonder, you hadn't eaten anything for several days in a row ...

But I was seething.
I lost you, probably forever.
And this realization pulled my heart together painfully and let some hot tears slide down my cheeks.

Even while we were so exhausted, you had laughed several times when we were together, but now, I knew that, laughter wouldn’t escape your throat anytime soon.
Yet it was always precisely this laugh that gave me the strength and courage to keep going, not to give up.
I would have to do it all by myself now.
And that felt kind of cruel, because until now at least I always had you, who had supported and loved me.
I don't know if you still love me, but unfortunately I couldn't hope for your support anymore ...
So now I had to be strong for both of us!

Within the next week I resigned from our apartment and took all of our belongings to Grandfather.There was no point in clinging to the apartment any longer because, first of all, you would never go back to what I painfully realized, nor would you continue to do your jobs to cover the rent.
Besides, I didn't have to work as much anymore and had more time to take care of you and grandfather.
Every three or four days you lost consciousness, simply because you had to be totally exhausted, since you didn't close your eyes - at least not voluntarily.
During those few hours when you didn't respond to me because you simply couldn't, I changed your bandages and partially washed you off.
Otherwise my days were pretty hectic.
In the morning, as soon as the nursing assistant came, I would serve you breakfast and go about my work, but since it was a part-time job, I would always be back after a few hours and take care of your lunch, after which I indulged myself one or two strictly Measured hours of sleep and shortly afterwards the nursing assistant had finished work and I took over the "night watch".~ * Flashback end * ~

It has been going on like this for a long time and now I have really bad problems hearing the alarm clock when I go to sleep for a while.
The coffee has almost made me