Farewell ...

I cry. I'm crying and I'm writing this down.
I can't do much more at the moment. I can't understand why you had to go today.
On Christmas day.
This is so damn unfair !!
I woke up and I have to find out that you are dead.
I know you couldn't choose, but it was really unfair.
I don't give a lot to Christmas and all that, but couldn't you have held out?
Until next year, until the next or maybe even until the next?
You would have become a hundred. And we shouldn't have mourned you now.
I know I'm selfish, but I'm just beginning to realize it.
You will never say anything again ...
You will never come to us again and pinch my cheeks like you used to do and I always hated it before ... but now I would really give a lot for you to be there and do it.Because I miss you. I can't describe how much.
And I still find it hard to believe that you're just not there anymore.
Stop breathing and at some point the memories of you will also fade.

I still remember how I always played "man - angry - you - not" with you back then. You got the red pieces so that you could see them better and I played with yellow.
Or how I walked through the garden with you. You hooked up with me and we walked up and down the stone path.
I remember back then I would have liked to swap places with my siblings because I didn't feel like doing it, but today I'm happy for these memories.
I hope they don't fade.
Because then the memory of you with them would also fade and then I would have lost you all over again.

I remember when my grandfather died.
I was six years old at the time and I was there when he had a heart attack.At the funeral, I knew he was dead, realized he wasn't coming back, but I didn't cry and I wasn't really sad. It wasn't until three years later that I realized that the memories would eventually fade.
That's when I realized that I had really lost him.
I cried, screamed and begged him to come back.
But the memories are mostly gone and he's been buried for almost 10 years.

I hope the memories of you don't fade
That they will stay in my memory for a long time.
That I will still remember in 10 years how we ate pizza together or how you always hugged me when we picked you up.

It's sad to know that soon I'll only have your grave where I can be with you.
To cry, to talk to you even when you don't answer, to have a place to mourn.

I'm not particularly religious, even if I'm interested in legends of the gods and all that, now and then, but you don't have to believe in God or the devil or anything to mourn either.To cry because you've lost a loved one.

I've lost you and I'm still crying.
I admit it, I woke up late and after I got the message I cried, but eventually I pulled myself together for my grandma and I pulled myself together, for my mother and also for myself, even if it's illogical is.
I even laughed when my sister and brothers were messing about because they were really weird and so on, but now I'm sitting here in front of my PC crying and blowing my nose and typing this every five minutes.

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes I don't know what to write to do justice to what's going on inside me.
It's so hard to sum up grief in one thing.

I can write forever about how much I miss you, but unfortunately you won't come back from that.
I don't know how long it will take to process that you are dead, gone forever, maybe with your husband and my great-grandparents - your parents - but I hope where you are you are at least happy and healthy.And if you are nowhere, if you are only surrounded by blackness, then at least I hope that you have found your peace.

I don't know what else to write because it could go on forever. Everything feels weird inside of me.
Not exactly emptiness, just such a strange feeling.
My head cannot understand that you will soon be cremated and buried. But somehow he got it.
It's so ambivalent.
I know, I got it, but somehow I don't want to admit it.
It's ... it's so unreal. But unfortunately bitter reality.
The lump in my throat hurts and slowly I pulled myself together again, but I think that only when I have been to the funeral and then later see the tombstone, stand in front of it, only then or even then will I really notice that I am can never visit you like this again.
But I'll stop by as often as possible. I'll try not to push it aside and forget like I did with my grandfather, and hopefully I'll make it through.I don't want to stand in front of your grave at some point and no longer know who you were. I don't want to stand in front of your grave and not have to cry, like with my grandfather, whom I have almost forgotten.

I hope you are fine in death, even if you are no longer with us.
And with this final word I say goodbye. I will say goodbye to your grave one more time, but this is something like saying goodbye in spirit. This will try to get over it, but I know it will be a long time.

I hope you rest in peace.

° ~. †. ~ °