do not Cry

Dear Diary,
everything is as always. School is on my neck asking me to participate in class again, otherwise I won't pass the Abitur, they say. But I won't get that far anyway. Until then there are still 2 years, so some time. Time I don't have

Dear Diary,
It's getting harder and harder to put on the happy, loose mask in front of my parents. Every time I see children or teenagers, I get more depressed. They can laugh without a care, they easily destroy their lives. I never used to pay attention to it, but now everyone seems to be drinking alcohol or using drugs.

Dear Diary,
I have now come to terms with my future. It seems to me that my life is getting better again. The otherwise gray sky shines in a brilliant blue, anyway the whole world seems to be much brighter. The burden and pressure inside me have gone and I feel liberated.
It's just amazing!

Dear Diary,
they found out!
I managed to keep it a secret for two years. In the meantime I was so far as to weigh myself in hope, but how could it be otherwise, luck left me on the straight line.
It happened quite surprisingly, it hit me completely unexpectedly when I came to Hase today after school. My mother stood in the hallway with her arms crossed. “What does that mean?” Her voice sounded quite angry, but at the time I was still clueless what had happened. "What does that mean?" She repeated. That's when I discovered the letter on the dresser. It was from my oncologist. He wanted to postpone the last appointment. My mother called him and found out, he told her everything.

Dear Diary,
I'm in the hospital ready to die. I wanted to be at home. If only it hadn't been for this damned letter! I had everything sorted out, how much time did I spend convincing the doctors not to say anything to my mother?
All for free. I tried to talk her out of the hospital, but she wouldn't let her. She wants to extend my life as much as possible. With medicines and machines. She wants them to remove my infected lungs, then I would have to be connected to a machine. But what for? My cancer has long metastasized. It makes no sense.

Dear Diary,
She didn't care. No matter that I wanted to die. She had an operation on me. I can understand that she wants to help me, but she still has to learn to let go, as I have learned to do.
Despite my surgery, I feel worse, it's just a matter of time.

Dear Diary,
It's coming to an end.

Dear Diary,
Today is my last entry. I managed to get a living will. At my request, the vital machines are turned off.Is it selfish of me to be happy about it?
Thank you for everything.

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Hello.
The idea and the beginning are already stored somewhat on the mobile phone and, especially in the free period, I am concerned with: Why not?
As for the topic: Lung cancer stage 4. Whether you can still do something is technically not entirely clear to me. Please forgive me. (admittedly, I only got my knowledge from Grey's Anatomy and Dr. House ... hence)
Hope you liked it anyway ...