I only found out today, and it was just a coincidence. If I had been unlucky, I might have left without knowing that you were dead.
You've been lying here for two years, he told me.
I still can't believe it. At first I thought it was a more macarre joke than your, now former neighbor, told me. "She? No, she doesn't live here anymore. It's in the cemetery in Nebelgasse."
Then, when he slammed the door in my face again, my mind must have noticed that it must be true. Nevertheless, this naive hope had still clung to my heart, it only let go when I found your gravestone in the endless rows.
Two years.
Incredible that I didn't notice anything. I don't even know how you died.
Whether you suffered, wept; whether you were alone or someone held your hand.
I don't know anything about you.
Have I not become a stranger in all of my absence? Five years I was gone, how could I expect everything to be the same as before? Deep down I had suspected that there would be changes in the course of a long time, but I never would have thought that they would be such.
We were best friends, got through everything together, knew everything about each other. But would it be the same now if you were still alive?
Could we still laugh as easily as we used to?
I wish it would, but I know it probably wouldn't.
Five years is no small thing.
I think we would have become strangers to each other through my long absence. It is well known that everyone changes over time. Whether he wants to or not. We would both be fraught with memories from times long past, times when we understood each other without words.
Today we would have talked past each other.
You've probably found a new best friend by now, and as much as it hurts me, that's a good thing. You may not have died alone like this.
Then he was probably there when I was so far away. Can I actually still call myself your friend when 'stranger' is much more appropriate?
Probably not.
It hurts, my guilt hurts more than your loss. I should never have left, why did I do it? I will never be able to forgive myself.
I wouldn't even know how you look now if someone, maybe your parents, hadn't put a little photo of you on the little ledge of the stone.
The tombstone suits you. It is unadorned and yet elegant, the marble feels cool under my fingers. Probably just as cool as you are now. Lifeless.
You were never the flashy type, that's why you always wanted to get a simple tomb, so without angels and other kitsch.
I like that better too, in that respect we were also similar.
It's hard to believe that your remains are just a few feet below me.
Will we ever see each other again?
Do you believe in the afterlife?You used to have it. You would have smiled and said with that angelic face: "Yes, because this is far too cruel and too short to be everything."
Have you changed your mind? Mine did, I didn't believe in it before, but now I want to believe in it. Because then there would be hope to see you again.
The only question is if I could look you in the eye, or would I look to the ground with guilt and shame?
There's no point in thinking about it, isn't it?
The biggest question I ask is, could you still be alive if I was there?
What is it like to die?
Will I regret taking my life to see you? Or will I regret not taking my life to see you?
Do I still have a reason to live now? For the past five years I have enjoyed thinking about you. But now my drive is gone.
How long can you survive without such a drive?
We will see.
----
Good evening * yawn *
This oneshot is for my little bear Danny. (I don't even call her Nick, because she changes him all nose anyway. ^^)
To celebrate the occasion, I corrected myself, not my spelling system. (2 times even.) Shame on me if there is still much wrong.
Danny, I'm sorry that I can only boost up now, my body thought it was more important to sleep again - even if I don't support it!
I wish you a wonderful new year!
: * Kari