This pain has no name
Nobody brings them back.
Dark silence at the tables
My friends are no more.

And I went the usual way. Down to the pier, along the harbor, over the bridge, the next street on the left and the path started all over again ...
And the night took me in her arms. The stars like a thousand eyes above me. And no moon ... no oppressive moon ...
And again the port ...
Has this ship always been here? Yes I think so…
And the bridges again ... Has it always been that high? Yes, I think nothing has changed ...
Why did everything stay the same here? Why didn't this place know that it was missing four people? Didn't he know any grief?
I kicked the pillar at the end of the bridge and immediately regretted it. My foot was throbbing hard. But I gritted my teeth and went on, again on the next street on the left ... A pub slid past me on the right-hand side. Here they had always sat together and exchanged the latest information about the war and the losses.
Everyone here was inflamed to fight for the just cause!
And I resisted entering this place again without it!
Bit my lip and walked by ...
Who would have thought that nothing would change?[i]From the table there deep in the corner
They looked at the new world
And their song rose up to heaven
I can still hear them
Because every word united them
For the last supper of friendship
For the barricade death as a hero.

Finally the grief for my heart won out.
For the first time in weeks, I went into the pub without her.
Pushed past the other guests, just wanted to go to our table. There he stood alone, untouched since - yes, since then ... He stood in the shade, difficult to see from the door. Walled in was a bit of an exaggeration, but the location offered protection from prying eyes.
And as if the wall in my head had fallen, images twitched through my memory ...
The Prewet twins who laughed high five.
Sirius' eyes shining after buying his motorcycle.
James and Lily sitting hand in hand.
Frank, who was just trying to drink a Butterbeer on Ex, next to Alice, who played angry and pointed out to him that he should be a role model as an Auror.
It was almost as if I still heard her words.
The whisper of who died today and what they were planning now ... I could still hear some sentences in my mind ...
The one night when James stuttered and tried to make it clear to us that the Prewets were dead ... The night Sirius blushed out that his brother had received the Dark Mark ... The night after they lost the McKinnions ...
People died around me.
Everything fell apart into death.
And yet I never believed that without her I would be here at some point.
Without the heroes who no longer existed ...

[i]My friends, have mercy on me,
I miss you so much
This pain has no name
Nobody will bring you back

And while I live my life ... day in, day out ...
A little flame is ignited in me. The fire of guilt.
What would have happened if I had been with them that evening? Couldn't I have prevented it? What is he ultimately my mistake? My fault?
Can you forgive me that I'm still alive?
Or do you curse me?
You think about every waking hour of the night ... was it right, was it wrong ... is that a dream? Why don't I wake up
Feelings of guilt hollow me out of reality like a fisherman catches a fish on land. Inwardly I wriggle and fidget, not wanting to accept it ... That's not true!
But slowly I am beginning to understand ...
You're not coming back, are you?

[i]Ghosts staring at the windows,
Throw shadows in the room.
Dark silence at the tables
Nobody shares the dream with me.

I sleep badly.
Nothing wants to give me rest. The fear is there. She clings tight to my heart. She has become my constant companion. Anxiety…
And no matter how strong the crescent moon casts its silver light into the room, I don't dare to close my eyes.
My eyes wander to the windows, hoping that your faces will appear in front of them ... And I hold my breath as a shadow slides in front of the silver light.
I quickly up and with a few steps I stumbled to the window.The shadow…
Then I looked out the window, where are you?
But only a cloud that had pushed itself in front of the crescent moon laughs at me angrily ... laughs at me ...
And again the hope flies like the leaves in autumn ...
When do i wake up?

[i]My friends, never ask me
Whether such a sacrifice is worth it.
Dark silence at the tables
Because no friend inhabits the night.

Do you hear your heartbeat?
Do you feel your life?
Do you notice that with every breath, your lungs fill?
Do you feel the blood in your body?
Do you think the friends are still there?
Leaving…
Do you think it's easy?
Just a dream…
Do you think it turned a bit?
Hopeless…
Don't ask me if I know! If I knew, I would act! If I could save her, I would!
Alone…
And the night with its thousand eyes falls on me evening after evening, choking my tears, choking my anger, only making the fire of guilt burn.
I only live for her ...