It was a day like any other. Almost like every day I went to do something with my current boyfriend T.K and my friends, I was almost never at home. I only came home in the evenings when I hadn't slept with someone.
But maybe this was a mistake, I don't know. Because on that one day I regretted that I was almost never at home ... Because that day will forever be burned into my memory.

"Hey Mum, I'm back," I called out when I came home one evening.
As soon as I entered the apartment, huge shouts could be heard. Like almost every day .. And mostly my brother was the trigger for my mother's screams.
For a while now, Tai and my parents had only argued. Each time they argued about something. No matter who was to blame or not, they yelled at each other every time. Don't be surprised that I'm hardly at home anymore. I'm tired of listening to this argument every day.Let them fight their quarrel alone, I don't interfere.
"Open the door at last! Do you understand me Taichi! TAICHI!", My mother knocked screaming on the door. But Tai seemed like it didn't even seem to think about opening it. My mother was really tense again today. It's not good to eat cherries with her.
"It's good that you just come Kari! Please bring your brother to reason that he finally opens the door. He doesn't listen to me. You can tell him then that the meal is ready!", She asked me before she pissed off Kitchen went.
Actually, I shouldn't have cared if Tai was hiding in the room, but unfortunately that was also my room. And as luck would have it, I have to get into it one way or another. So I tried my luck.
"Tai?" I patted. "Tai? Would you please open? I have to go inside urgently. I left a few things inside that I need." Nothing stirred.
I knocked again, but again nothing happened."Tai? Can you hear me? Open the door, please !!"
And again I got no answer.
I was slowly starting to worry. This behavior did not suit him at all. It scared me. But it scared me even more when I heard something fall over.
"Tai! I know you're there, please don't pretend you can't hear me. What was that? Please answer me! PLEASE! OPEN THE DOOR!" I yelled against the locked door.
Nothing moved or could be heard.
When my father finally came home from work, my mother immediately told him that Tai had barricaded himself in the room and didn't want to come out.
My father didn't care, as he had for so long. He hadn't cared what my brother did for a long time. It didn't matter if it was good or bad, he didn't care.
The only thing he cared about in the evening was the fact that he couldn't find his favorite drink. He's been rummaging in the cupboards for 5 minutes now, in vain.He asked my mother if she had rearranged (which she really likes to do.) But she said no and asked in the same breath whether he had insomnia because the whole package had disappeared.
The moment my mom asked that, I didn't even know what I was doing until I realized what was happening. I started screaming and tried to run the door. I ran into it harder and harder, but the door was too tight.
"What are you doing there, Kari? Do you want to break your door?", My father shouted angrily and grabbed my arm.
"DON'T SAY IT! HE'S KILLING HIMSELF! HE'S KILLING HIMSELF!"
My father stared at me in horror, he didn't seem to have expected that. He suddenly pushed me aside and ran into the door with full force. That was enough to finish off the door. * I know it's illogical that a door gives way when you run into it, but what the heck, in the anime it always slams *
After my father ran the door, my mother also came up, but immediately pulled me out of the room where I shortly after my father had opened the room forcibly.Tai was on the floor, tipped to one side. He almost looked dead.
Our father fell down immediately, he could see the pure fear on his face. He shook Tai several times, but he didn't respond at all.
He was pale as a sheet and his breathing was very weak.
The explanation for this lay on the floor ... alcohol and pills ... and in moderation ...
I just couldn't believe it ... My mind immediately understood what was going on, but my heart refused to accept it. As well as? How should I accept that my brother wanted to kill himself in front of my eyes or in our room? Just why?
I just stood in the door the whole time, even if my mother wanted to pull me away all the time, I just couldn't move. The whole time I had my brother's picture in front of my eyes. How he lies there ... almost dead! No more color on your face and between life and death!
The tears ran silently down my cheeks. I don't realize it ... I didn't even realize the paramedics came, pushed me aside, and then took him away.I just stood there staring at the same spot.
On the spot where he was.
What will happen now
You'll pump his stomach out, that's for sure, but will you manage it? Will he get well again? I hope so ... And if not, I will always be tormented by the question of whether I was to blame for what happened. I should have been there more, then I would have noticed that he is somehow bad. But I wasn't there ... I went away to avoid all sorts of problems. I always thought that Tai would never have any problems, that he would get along with everyone ... And above all, I never believed that he would go that far.
While these questions were looking for answers in my head, the doorbell rang, but I didn't answer. Whoever it was could go straight away. I didn't want to see or hear anyone. I wanted to be alone now.
In spite of all this, my mother opened the front door, still very disturbed. I could clearly see Matt's voice when my mother opened the door.He seemed to be asking about Tai because my mother collapsed crying. Matt didn't understand what was going on that quickly until he slowly began to understand what was wrong. He walked past my mother and straight into the room where I was standing and still staring at the empty space now.
"Kari? What's going on? Where's Tai? I need to talk to him!" His voice was serious.
I looked at him with half-howled and expressionless eyes.
"Do you know why?"
He looked at me confused. "How do you mean?"
"Why he did that! Why he tried to kill himself!" I literally shouted the last words. At that moment all expression was gone from Matt's face. "No, I don't think so. He really did it? It wasn't meant like that," he shook his head in disbelief.
"What? What did you say?"
"I didn't mean that, Kari, I just said it like that, without meaning. I didn't even mean that he should do it, I just said that I didn't care.But not that he should kill himself ", his eyes looked even more expressionless than before.
"You are to blame ?! YOU! WHY ?! WHY MATT?" WHY ?! "
"Kari, I ...!"
"Get out of here! Get out of here! I never want to see you here again! And if Tai dies, I won't forgive you!"
I pushed him out of the room, bolted it, hooked it up, and let my back on here.
I could not believe it. Matt is supposed to be to blame? I couldn't really believe it. I did not understand the world anymore.
I don't know if what I did now was right. I think I should have let him finish explaining, but my pride wouldn't. I now saw him as guilty because I no longer wanted to feel guilty. But what does that do for me? Nothing at all! I still feel guilty for everything.
I could only hope ... hope ... that everything would be fine ... no ... I didn't just hope ... I prayed for it ..... I pray that my brother would survive would.