I already knew that life is not easy, but nobody told me that it was lonely and cruel.
When I'm 3, I'm alone. My parents died in a car accident, as did my little sister. It's ok, I don't remember it and I'm not used to it any other way. Since the day I live in the home.
Every now and then I came to foster families, but actually that was rather rare. They didn't want me and those who took me on regretted it after a short time. Not that I was naughty or naughty, no, they couldn't stand the sight of me. These demonic eyes take everything human from me, said my first foster mother. She was afraid of me.
But what can I do for my eyes, or my pale skin, or my hair, which is far too light, I couldn't do anything.
The children in the home and in kindergarten avoided me. They were afraid of me because there was this story ....
The story tells of a demonic child who walks around at night and eats other children when they are naughty. You are probably thinking how they will come to me right now, but that is easy. The demonic child was described in the story exactly as I looked. Children can be cruel. At least it was them to me! The whole thing didn't change when I started school, on the contrary it got worse the older I got. Because older children know more and they think more, so they are much meaner. It would have been okay if they'd just hit me, beaten me green and blue, and then left alone. But as I said, children are cruel. The real psychological terror started in my 3rd year classroom. They probably noticed that I didn't mind their beating anymore, well, or they just got tired of it. The terror began quite harmlessly, they took my things away from me or insulted me. But that was just the beginning ... They later became more specific in their dislike and said that if I was smart I should jump off a bridge or grab a rope and hang myself.They told me I was useless and not worth living. If you listen to this every day, at some point you will believe that you are useless and that it would be better if you disappeared from this world. I had my first suicide attempt when I was 10 years old, shortly before I graduated from primary school. I took her advice and jumped off a bridge. When I woke up in the hospital, it was already summer vacation and my home supervisor said I would then switch to a secondary school in another city where nobody knows me. I was happy, even if everything hurt at the moment. I was released just in time for the end of the vacation. I still had some bruises but otherwise everything was healed. The new town and home weren't much better than before. On the contrary, it was worse. To this day I don't know how, but one of the children heard of my suicide attempt that bullying had started all over again. Today I'm in 10th grade, the senior year. My grades are rather below average, as I am very often missing. Since arriving here, I've tried to kill myself twice more, then I've given up. But the resulting pain is amazing. I am cutting myself. That's why I wear these hooded jackets in summer too. You are great! When it gets too warm and I have to wear t-shirts, I wrap a scarf around my left forearm. Today is such a day. My clothes are not particularly exciting, rather inconspicuous, black, brown and khaki. If they are already bullying me, then I don't have to provoke it with my clothes! In the meantime there is still a victim, but it doesn't help me much. She hates me. I'm not bullied like this every day, but I don't have an ally either.
Even today, like almost every morning, go to school, careful not to attract attention. Open the school door, look down, and under no circumstances look at anyone!Well and because I'm in the process of memorizing the floor slabs, I unfortunately didn't notice that the door of the secretariat was opening and I ran into it with force .... I bounce off and stay on the floor, rubbing my head. "Shit! What happened to you? Sorry, I don't want that! Everything ok?" I look up and look into the face of a boy who is about my age, but I don't know him. He looks pretty good! Brown short hair and beautiful sea blue eyes. Also muscular and probably the crush of all the girls in this school, at least those who are into skaters, because his clothes were not so dissimilar to mine. He holds out his hand to me, I wasn't used to that kind of friendliness. I ignore them and help myself up. "Everything ok.", I mumble and quickly walk past him to my class. Thanks to the incident, I'm a little late, the teacher is already there. This is how the day starts well! I apologize briefly for my delay and take a seat in the back. Alone. Nobody wants to sit next to me. The teacher begins to ramble and, as always, I don't listen to him, but instead take out my pad and, like every school day, start to scribble on it.
At some point the door opens and I look up dreamily, was the lesson over ?! My mouth drops down, the guy from before is standing in front of the teacher and grinning happily around until he sees me. He smiles and waves briefly. That's when my mind kicks in again. Did the teacher just say the guy was a new student ?! The guy introduces himself briefly, his name is Jakob and he's 16, that's a little younger than me, I realize. I shake my head and go back to my drawings. Funny guy, that Jacob. I hate new students! You mean one more person to me, who wears me down. I am even more amazed at the fact that the chair next to me is moved. I look up at Jacob's face."Hi, I'm Jacob! How is your head?", He looks at me expectantly, but I'm too amazed to say a word. "What is it ?! Did your language center suffer from the collision?", He looks at me worried. "Uh ... No, everything is ok! I ... I'm Kyrill!" He shakes my hand, "I'm glad!" I averted my gaze, at the latest after the break, I was over there anyway and he would join them belong. So I don't bother to pay attention to it, but keep drawing. The break came and I dawdle as always. Jacob was surrounded by everyone and questioned. At least they don't pay any attention to me like that. The day went on without anything else having happened. After school I went home, but something was different .... This new one, Jacob, something is wrong with him! His worried look when I didn't answer. Nobody cares about me, why should he do that ?! One thing is for sure, I hate him just like everyone else ...