leaving

Sadness

I stare at the moon. A tear is making its way through my face. I looked at the crushed rose in my hand. I ask myself why. Why did you leave me. Why did you leave me alone with two young children. I can't take this pain anymore. I know I should live for you and our children, but it's so hard without you. You were the one who gave me courage every day. You brought the sun into my heart. Now there is nothing, just emptiness and my loneliness, which you made me forget, has returned.

Our daughter cannot fill it. I look into her eyes and I see you, I see her smile and I see you, I hear her laugh that reminds me of yours and I cry. Cry because I can no longer hold you in my arms, cry because I have lost you, through him our son who should not be born.

It was a miracle, you were so happy, we were happy, but apparently we shouldn't be happy.I see your eyes, how they beamed at me when you held him in your arms for the first time. You looked at me, whispered to me that you would always love me. Told me that you were grateful and that I shouldn't be sad.

I see tears shimmering from your eyes. Eyes as blue as the ocean. Eyes that I could sink into. You took my hand, kissed it, nestled against it when your strength left you. You smiled at me and I knew you knew it when you were hopeful again.

It was not allowed that you gave birth to more than one daughter, fate had not determined it that way and yet our son, whom I loved and hated at the same time, was lying in your arms, because he took you away from me.

I kissed you one last time, felt your lips on mine. I felt your fear, you didn't want to leave me and yet you were forced to do so by fate. I felt your tears on my cheeks. You said you'd wait for me no matter how long it tookDidn't ask me to blame our son and love him like our daughter.

Tears wet my face, we both cried, we knew that our parting was approaching, but we promised to love each other forever and to wait for each other, no matter how long it would take.

You looked one last time at your daughter, who was crying bitterly by your bed, looked at our son in your arms, breathed a kiss on his head. You looked at me, tried to be brave, not to cry anymore, but to smile, when you whispered my old Kose name one last time, Mamo-chan.

Your strength finally ran out, your hand let go of mine when you closed your eyes with a smile on your lovely face and left me and our children alone. My moon rabbit had left me, my Odango Atama. My heart broke in pieces when I realized this. I couldn't or wouldn't believe it until the end. Desperately I held your hand and pressed my lips to yours, which were cold, lifeless.I screamed, yes I was raging, I didn't want anyone to get near you.

All of you you called friends. They wanted to take you away from me completely. I only lived for you, for ages only for you, not for our daughter, not for our son, no, only for you all alone. You were my purpose in life, my joy, my happiness, my love. I wanted to be with you forever, but nobody would let you. They forcibly separated me from you, locked me up until your funeral.

Everyone had come, your parents, your friends, your daughter wept for her mother, even your son felt what he had lost. I stayed silent, thinking that I had to be strong now, for you and our children. I tried, I really did. But a year has passed since your death today, I can no longer be strong, I just can't make it anymore, I miss you so much, I can't anymore and I don't want to anymore. I can't be a good father to our children, no longer, because you're gone, you've left us alone.You're better off without me.

I want to go to you, I want you to take me in your arms and pull me to you. I want to stroke you, hug you, laugh and see you happy again. I look to the moon and I see you, I see flowers and I see you, I look in a mirror and I see you. No matter where I look, you are with me, I want to go to you, kiss you, argue with you, just like when we were happy when you were my Odango Atama.

Now I am standing here in a place, a place where we once swore eternal love. The waves roar and hit the cliffs. The full moon shines and shows a clear starry sky.

I look at the ocean, a smile stole on my lips as I think of your eyes that made mine shine. It was like hearing your soft voice. Hear your laughter.

I started to cry. I dropped the petals of the rose that I had crushed into the water as I jumped.I didn't feel the impact as my body hit the cliff before being pulled into the ocean. I only felt warmth that flooded my soul, that seemed to fill my heart. I felt your closeness, your love, your affection, your understanding. My soul recognized you, my moon bunny, my Usako, now we were reunited forever.